Back to School -

Resuming a routine around the school year can be relieving for many families.  At the same time, the more relaxed pace of summertime gives way to pressures of homework, extracurricular activities and more social activities.  While your teen might look forward to seeing her friends again on a regular basis, many parents tell me they dread the anticipated arguments over homework and the privileges teens demand.  How can a parent know when to let go and when to jump in?  Here are some guidelines to think about.

1) How does your teen learn from his/her mistakes?  If she is able to reflect on mistakes, even if you have to help her to do so, she is more likely to be able to LEARN from them - a sure sign of increasing maturity.  If your teen continues to blame others or circumstances for the slip-up, she may need you to be an "auxiliary" source of judgment for a while longer.

2) Evaluate with your teen his long-term life goals and values.  Communicate clearly your values and goals for him, but show respect where he may differ from you.  Can he articulate specific goals and how he expects to achieve them?  If not, initiate more communication with your teen about his goals and expectations of privileges.  He will have more motivation to stay on track with his own well-formed goals.

3) The teen years are a time to begin developing one.s identity.  How far down that path has your teen gone?  Has she begun developing some clear interests and is she able to pursue them?  Do you notice that she is aware of some of her unique traits?  If so, she is building toward a stronger sense of herself that merits more autonomy.

4) Does your teen continue to respect your authority when you give him more autonomy?  For example, will he negotiate with you about a privilege in a respectful, if assertive, manner?  A teen who can accept your decision, even when he disagress, show a growing capacity for handling himself in stressful situations.  

5) Has your teen stayed clear of drugs and alcohol?  The influence of substances ALWAYS impairs judgment.

6) Spot checking will keep them on track and give you needed feedback about how your teen is doing with the freedoms he or she has been given.  Remember, it is a parent's job to help teens develop the capacity for making good decisions for their lives.  This can happen only when they practice.  You will feel more comfortable with their practicing if you spot check.  

7) Finally, assess your tolerance for anxiety and "not knowing" what your teen is up to and adjust appropriately where you see your own history interfering. 

Robin Haight, PsyD Public Education Coordinator for the Virginia Psychological Association